It’s more than likely that I’ll post twice today to makeup for not posting at all in the past week. I have reasons: I work, and I went to get my results (passed all of them, for all those asking) and I’ve just been busy. But, I have got a tiny Nia-ish rant/ pep talk for you all, with a mini story time too.
The other day, I was sorting through my clothes. I do it a lot because I buy a lot and have no room for it and don’t wear half of it, but this time was slightly different; I actually tried some of it on.
Now, we all know last year up until October, I wasn’t really in a good, healthy place. I was under eating, not with the right people, and I wasn’t myself. But the main part of this is the fact that I was UNDER EATING. I was a size 8-ish, and still thought I was big, due to the person/people I was around a lot. So, fast forward a year, and I knew I’d gained a little weight, but good god I didn’t think I’d gained that much. I’ll do a quick comparison for you:
These were taken pretty recently, just a few months apart: I’m still skinny, I’m aware of that, but your girl here has thick thighs and I have a tummy. Now compare the thighs alone to how I was a year ago:
Last year, this was me: thigh gap, no fat on my stomach: I was unhealthy FOR ME. I’d show the change of the tummy, but here’s the funny thing: when I was that small, I thought I was too big to wear crop tops, and if I had of done, I would’ve been called a slut (different rant, different time). On top of that, those blue shorts? They don’t go anywhere near me anymore.
But here’s the thing: I’m not saying that if you have thigh gap you’re unhealthy and need to eat more. Some people are just skinny, and that’s okay, I envy the fact that you’re tiny and just naturally skinny. What I’m saying is, that wasn’t healthy for me. I look like a Barbie doll; I’m not in proportion with the rest of myself.
This post is me using myself as an example of what under eating can look like. It’s not always the fact that you can see bones and ribs, although I’m pretty sure you could. It’s not always that the person is massively unhealthy and might die, because I was healthy, but I was weak. Now? I’m quite happily a size 10 most places other than my thighs and butt which are definitely in the 12/14 region. Back then, I fooled myself really; I was an 8 with hips that never stop being a 12, and due to being called big, I thought I was big. But, I’m also healthier: I exercise a lot more, and I eat better; I actually eat now.
I’m doing this for many reasons. But my main one is to show that recovery is a pretty good look. I was in a horrible place, I was depressed, I was messed up, I didn’t like myself, and I wasn’t a big fan of my life. I felt trapped with a group of people, I felt alone, and my relationship wasn’t great. Now? Well, now I’m smiling more, I’m laughing more, I exercise more, and yes I’m bigger, but I’m also happier. I have great friends, I’m no longer trapped, and lets be honest, I may be bigger, but god damn my curves look good.
No matter what place you’re in, stuff gets better. But not only does it make an impact on our minds, but it also makes an impact on our bodies. If a friend or even yourself is losing weight at a rapid and dramatic pace, talk to them to see what’s going on. If your friend is suddenly a lot more quiet, smiles less, laughs less, see if you can get them to open up, and if not, let them know you’re there for them. Depression, anxiety and just bad moods and similar stuff can happen and appear in many forms: the personality, the body, and willingness to talk and open up. For me while I was in a bad place, I was in denial of the fact that stuff was fucked up. So, I denied anything being wrong, but due to the fact I was upset all the time, and I was carrying all the negativity around, it meant my body was also impacted. People who struggle may not show these signs because nobody shows the exact same signs of struggling, but they may have common ones or show similar ones.
Please remember Angels, no matter your size or shape, you’re bloody beautiful and you’re worth it. Don’t let yourselves get dragged down by the expectations society puts on you. Look how you want to look, dress how you want to dress, and don’t let other people control those things. You are unique, you are beautiful, and you’re worthy. I love and believe in every single one of you.
Here is your song of the day: there’ll be another one on the next post, but this one feels right for this post in particular.
Stay safe and stay happy, Angels ❤